Silver Lining: grief.

October 23, 2013

grief.

Logically, Halloween shouldn't be the holiday ruined by my mom's death. But it is.


I mean, she went from 100% fine to collapsed in the ICU a few days before Halloween. Halloween was when I found out she wasn't going to get better. November is when I dropped out of school, came home, and became a primary caregiver. Thanksgiving is when she really got out of bed and had energy for the last time. It's the day we took our last family pictures together, with her in her wheelchair and us gathered around. She died three weeks later. I buried my mother the day before my birthday. Christmas and New Years were empty, terrible affairs.


I know, it's the cruelest timing ever. But for some reason, Halloween is the holiday that's really ruined for me, not any of those other holidays. I guess because that's when it all started.


Every year, about a week before Halloween, it happens. I have an off-day. Nothing I do or say makes me happy. I end up huffing around the house, ignoring myself. I've already been sad about mom for four years, I tell myself. That's quite enough time. So stop it. I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I'm in a weird mood. And then it always ends in me sobbing in bed because, no matter what, the truth is I'm still sad about my mom.


I remember that Halloween. The last-minute flight home to Oregon. My older brother and I took the little kids trick-or-treating. We stayed back on the sidewalk, reluctant to walk the kids up to the doors. The neighbors would have asked how mom was, and I didn't have the strength to tell them. So we stayed back on the sidewalk. The neighbors would look at us, and we would nod and look away, and all of us knew without saying anything.



This time of year can be hard for me. So many memories are attached to every thing I do, every holiday we have, every week that passes. The day I found out mom wasn't going to get better. She told me she was excited to go be my angel mom, even though she was so sad she couldn't be my mom on earth anymore. The day we bought the wheelchair transport van and brought mom home to spend the rest of her days with her family. The rows and rows of cards strung up on the wall. The sanctity of those midnight watches, with the Christmas lights shining through the window, my mom sleeping in her hospice bed, and me in the recliner, quietly counting our shared breaths during the night. The day the doctor hugged me after he told me she would probably make it to Thanksgiving, but not much farther, and definitely not to Christmas. The angel choir of children from my church, standing in the soggy lawn and getting their Sunday shoes wet so they could sing "families can be together forever" through the window to my mom. The letter she left me.


I think the next post I'll write about my mom will be about all the angels. So many kind people, so much love, so much support and help and so many little miracles happened during that time. Miracles from people I could see, and miracles from angels I couldn't see. That's what I remember most about that time.


I want to focus on the good this year. Remember my mom for the nineteen years of a happy, loving, funny, gentle mother - not the seven and a half weeks of her decline. I know if she were here she'd tell me the best way to make myself feel better is to get up and serve someone, not sit there and cry. So I think I will. And, in true mom fashion, I'll have some hot tamales while I'm at it.




23 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post, Brooke.

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  2. I love you Brooke. I often think of how amazing you and your whole family are. Cried and cried reading this, you have a gift.

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  3. this is beautifully written. thank you for sharing!!

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  4. what a beautiful post. thanks for posting! you are amazing. Xoxo

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  5. Brooke, what a wonderful post. It made me remember of those last moments with my parents. Those are times to be cherished, even if it's in grief. One thing I have learned in the 13 years since my dad died is that families are eternal. It's like you said, you have an angel you know. Thank you for this reminder. If ever you need anything, you know where to find me. -David Mitchell

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  6. So sad, Brooke! My heart just breaks for you. Prayers for you during this hard season.

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  7. Talk about palpable emotion... this completely made me cry. I don't know you very well, but I can tell you have so much strength. I'm sorry about this sad time of year, but you are amazing. Virtual hugs for you!!

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  8. This is so beautifully written. You had me bawling. I can not imagine going through what you have. It would be so hard every year. Your mother does sound like she was an absolutely wonderful person/mother.

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  9. love you girl. you are so strong and beautiful

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  10. Sweet sweet sweet sweet Brooke! Tommy and I are sad about this very thing as well, the one thing I remember most is how you rose to the challenge and with grace and goodness stepped up at sexton mountain as of you were a parent! Those kids loved the days you would come teach them art and I would think everyone I passed you what a beautiful strength you have along with a contagious smile. Please know you are not alone in your grief and you aren't alone in your smiles we share for your beautiful mom!

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  11. What an amazing person you are, Brooke. My advice? Take your day to be sad until you don't need that day anymore. Look forward to the day when you softly smile instead of cry, look up, smile a little bigger and get to work doing that serving stuff your mom was always so great at. The night that Tracy and I spent with your mom in the Rehabilitation Center was life changing for me. We were so nervous about how to approach her and and how emotional it would be, so we decided that we would say hello, give a hug, and get the heck out of there. Cowards much? We walked into her room expecting the worst and instead arrived at a party that she was hosting, complete with steak and Hot Tamales! She was so happy to see us and never once complained, when we all knew she had every right to. We grabbed some comfy chairs from an empty room so we could sit by her bed, and had a good old fashioned gab session! It was so great for me to see how real and human she was - honest, funny, and a tiny bit sarcastic, which is a side of your mom that I had never seen. Her attitude about what was about to happen to her has changed my outlook on life and death as well. She talked about dying like she was going across the hall for a bit and would save us a seat for when we arrived! It was truly amazing to me – I have used the word surreal so many times when explaining this to my family and friends, but I can’t think of another word. She defined the term laughing in the face of death. To her, this was just the next step in the plan - she was so excited that she would get to meet her grandchildren before her kids and to see other family members who had gone before her. We spent the whole night laughing, crying a little, then laughing some more. Our hug and run theory went out the window, and I'm so glad it did. When the nurse came in to give nighttime medications, your mom told her to come back later because her party wasn't finished yet! I can’t think of a better way to say goodbye than that girl’s night full of laughter. I have always looked up to your mom because she was a genuinely good person, but this night made her a hero. Clearly she has passed the baton to you, my dear. Here's to waiting for the smiles... ~Leisa G

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  12. This is so beautiful and so sad. Thank you for reminding me how grateful I am for forever families.

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  13. Thanks for sharing Brooke. I love these little blog reminders of why I'm so happy you're a part of my family.

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  14. I just read your blog and now I can't see. Why?

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  15. You are such a strong woman. I know your mom is so proud as your angel mother right now. You are such a great role model to Jason and I know that when your little babies start coming you will be an amazing mother. Miss you a lot. Glad we could chat if even for a little bit last night.

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  16. I shed a few tears because I miss your mother too. Your mother is a very, very special person that taught be a few life lessons about attitude and how to bear grief and pain with grace and joy. You are wise to celebrate your mother's legacy and we would be wise to do the same. -Brother Bill Boland

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  17. This is beautiful Brooke. I am so grateful for forever families and know that you will be with your mother again. I can tell from your words about her she was a beautiful person as are you.

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  18. I honestly can't even imagine. I am so close to my parents, and the thought of them not being with me some day breaks my heart. You can tell y reading this just how close you were to your mother. What a sweet daughter, to put your life on hold to help take care of her. I am sure it meant so much to her. I hope this time of year can go by a little better for you. How comforting to think of an after life with our loved ones.

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  19. This is such a sweet post about your mom, I love that she was excited to go be an angel mom. When listening to "Families Can Be Together Forever" I absolute lose it. Mostly because it plucks at my heartstrings and just reminds me that we can to be with our families for the eternities, and what a beautiful thing that is. Much love & prayers coming your way <3

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  20. You have handled this all amazingly well. Have as many off days as you need to mourn your mom. We all miss her. Just today as I drove home from the temple, I looked in my rear view mirror and thought I saw your mom in the car behind me. I miss her and I won't forget how amazing it was to put the scrapbook together and read all the stories about how your mom touched people's lives. She and you are amazing.

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  21. I'm doing catch up here. I actually did read this and tried to comment, but I was on my phone and it didn't work. I've been thinking about you a lot though! :) This time of year it always hits me. I'm okay with Halloween, I think because I came home for those two days. But Thanksgiving is ruined forever. Forever!. And one more !. Love you.

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