Silver Lining: what I'm doing next year: one of the most vulnerable posts I've ever written

April 7, 2014

what I'm doing next year: one of the most vulnerable posts I've ever written

This is one of those posts that has been literally weeks in the making. I've known exactly what I wanted to say, but those dang sentences would never form in a cohesive manner! I've drafted, deleted, and drafted again. Maybe it was so tough for me to write this because I feel like this is a snapshot into the very center of my heart. The writer in me knows this post is still not perfect, but it's my best for now. It's also a very honest post, so please be nice to me, because I feel very vulnerable posting it.



For decades, I've wanted to be a teacher. For decades, I've wanted to be a mother. What I didn't think about was how those two roles would coexist, or even if they would coexist. For some reason, I didn't think about that at all until I got pregnant. Suddenly I was faced with a choice: should I teach or stay home next year?


What I didn't bank on was how much I would love teaching. How difficult it would be to think of giving it up. Honestly, I love it. Teaching is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Teaching gives me more purpose, joy, and meaning in my life than I ever thought possible. I like how productive I feel after working a long day, and I like that I work for education, which is one of the noblest causes out there. I love that my end goal isn't a new sale, or a pageview count, or a bonus commission, but the actual education of children. I love getting little glimpses that a student has recognized the value of education in their lives, that they learn to love feeling vulnerable, growing, and experiencing their world. Not to mention my amazing coworkers, who often know more about my life than my family, since I spend nine hours a day with them. I feel comfortable when I'm at school. My classroom is my little kingdom: I'm in charge and I accomplish things in there, and at the risk of sounding ridiculously arrogant, I think I'm good at it. Teaching is one of those things I believe I can actually do.


When I got pregnant, my plans for next year became a huge source of stress and internal conflict for me. I knew I loved teaching, and that it would always be one of the most meaningful things in my life. I knew I loved my little baby already, and that I would jump at any opportunity to be with her, to hold her, to love her. Also, this isn't popular among all people, but I believe that the ideal family situation involves one parent, preferably the mother, at home. But I also believe that women should pursue their careers if they want. I believe in the peace of mind that a second income provides to a family, especially a family that's still in the "just starting out" financial phases like us.


Sometimes becoming a mom scared me. Still does, actually. Scares me silly. It's just fear of the unknown. It's hard to leave something that I have experience with, that I'm comfortable doing, that I'm good at, for something totally brand new. What if being a mom exhausts me physically, mentally, and emotionally beyond what I can handle? What if I don't know how to provide for my child's needs? What if my world shrinks down to the mundane tasks of bottles, diapers, sleep deprivation, and one tiny person who can't even converse with me? What if something comes up and we need a second income?


I started asking advice from other moms/teachers I knew. The stay at home moms told me that 100% it was worth it, that even on the hardest days they NEVER regretted their choice to leave teaching, that they wouldn't trade time with their child for anything. The working moms I know told me that it's totally doable to work full-time and have a child, that daycare doesn't always have to be a scary place, that their job provides important financial security to their family even though it's hard to do. The working ladies who don't have kids told me that OF COURSE they would be stay at home moms if they ever got the chance.


That confused me even more. All sides had great points. I spent weeks avoiding thinking about it, because it stressed me out. (When will I learn that avoiding stressful topics actually stresses one out more?) When I was at school, I wanted to stay there and teach next year. When I was at home, I wanted to stay there and take care of my sweet baby next year.


Eventually, I told myself to get a grip, put on my big girl pants, and start praying about it. So I did. My husband and I had late-night discussion after late-night discussion about it. We prayed, read my patriarchal blessing, made pros and cons lists, and went to the temple.


One evening, Sam and I were sitting in our car in the temple parking lot, talking about next year. I was crying (surprise surprise) with the stress and indecision of this huge choice I was making. I remember rolling down the window and leaning my head back on the window frame to get some fresh night air. Looking up at all the stars that were out that night, I suddenly felt so close. So incredibly close to the spirits who are up there beyond the stars. Those spirits didn't feel like they were a million miles away, unfindable by man. They felt like they were right here, right now, with me in that car. I don't know if I was feeling particularly close to God or to my sweet unborn baby or to my mom, but I felt such a connection that night, and utterly surrounded by peace. Peace that I had never felt before. My tears dried up, my baby started moving around inside of me like she never had before, and I knew.


I'm not going to teach full time next year.


I remember sitting there with my head leaned back on the window frame for a long time that night, breathing the air and talking to Sam. After so much indecision and stress, just having an answer was a huge relief. We enjoyed the peace and the certainty and my kicking baby for a long time.


And then, I turned to Sam and wept. I wept because of what I was giving up. I wept because, even though I'm finding some part-time work, it won't be the same next year. I won't have my own class, I won't belong to 30 students who say I'm their teacher, I won't have the same little kingdom that I'm in charge of and comfortable with and good at leading. I'm really really going to miss it, and I wept because saying goodbye to being a full-time teacher for now will be really hard. And Sam just sat there all nobly, letting me get snot and tears and mascara all over his white shirt. That man is one in a million.


Eventually, I stopped crying. There's a time to cry about things, and then there's a time to stop crying and move on to better things. Also, I was getting a cramp in my neck from leaning over to Sam's shoulder. I took deep breaths, stole one last look at those stars, and rolled up the window. I gathered all the trust I've ever had in myself and mentally stored it away. And then Sam kissed me, said "let's do this, darling," and we drove home.

And that's how I made my choice about teaching next year.


Some important post-decision information:

  • I'm still looking for something part-time. I love teaching, and teaching is part of who I am. That might look like a shared contract, or it might look like a specialty teacher, or it might look like after-school tutoring and piano lessons. I'm so incredibly happy that I get to keep teaching kids, and also be home with my baby. It's the best of both worlds. 
  • I have felt so much peace since making that choice. This is huge, coming from a person like me who second-guesses EVERY CHOICE I EVER MAKE. I have never once gone back and wondered if I made the right choice. It has felt right every second since I made it.
  • My choice has made me love teaching even more. It's easy to get dragged down by disrespectful students or problems with parents at school. But lately, since I know it won't be like this next year, I am just loving those kids and enjoying every second I get to spend with them. It makes me love this job more than I ever have, and appreciate everything about it. I want to be the best teacher I can be for my remaining months.

If you're still reading this, congratulations! You deserve a huge round of applause and possibly some chocolate for making it through this very dense post. I hope you know how much respect I have for the full-time working moms out there, and for people who have different viewpoints than my own. Working moms have strength and stamina I'm not sure I ever could have! I feel I should also mention that all the mascara and snot came out of Sam's white shirt, which I personally feel was another miracle of that week.


P.S. Two of my blogging friends, Bonnie and Tayler, are also posting today about their decision regarding teaching next year. Check out Bonnie's blog HERE and Tayler's blog HERE to read about their decision. We also decided to make this thang a link-up! If you have any posts about teaching, working, being a stay at home mom, earning income at home, or anything in that category, please link it up! I love reading about other women and their stories.







P.P.S. We decided to make this a giveaway too. Enter below to win $15 to Babies R Us! (Thanks Tayler for putting this all together!)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

If you're in a similar position, I'd love to hear from you! How did you decide what to do? Have you ever regretted it? What worked best for you?

32 comments:

  1. You are a brave woman! And honestly, whatever you choose to do about your living situation is going to be hard--just different versions of hard. Juggling work and a baby is just as hard as staying home and watching your sweet girl grow up, because you have to be SO proactive to get yourself through the day. I'm so glad we have prayer and temples and revelation to help us figure out life! You are going to be the best baby mom. I can feel it. :)

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    1. I totally love this. Either way, it will definitely be a different kind of hard! Thanks so much for the comment Elise :)

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  2. Brooke! I am so happy you were able to find a decision and answer just for you. I think that's the trick, there is no one answer. Some mom's can work full time and some can't. i'm going to be staying home with my baby full time for now and I can't wait. I think it'll be a little weird for me at first, but I can't wait to spend so much time getting to know my little guy. We should have play dates sometime.

    Anyway - ps your giveaway says its not started yet, just fyi :)

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    1. You're right - the hard part is that there is no right answer! And either way, it will definitely be a transition! You are awesome. So excited for you to be a stay at home mama to your little dude!

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  3. Bonnie mentioned this link up in passing a while ago while we were talking about other things. Since I'm not anywhere near the situation I didn't think much about it, but your post changed my mind. It gave me a great idea for a similar but obviously different post. I love the temple story. I feel like there's something magical about the sky.

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    1. Sounds really interesting. Let me know when that post comes up so I can be sure to check it out. Thanks Aubrey!

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  4. Haha, I thought you and Bonnie were like inspired or something because you both posted such similar things at the same time. I guess it was planned inspiration though ;)

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    1. Haha yes. Like all my best inspiration, it didn't come from me at all! This one was all Bonnie and Tayler :)

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  5. I had the same decision o make when it came to finishing school. Up until a few weeks after my daughter was born i was still thinking I'd be returning to school the following semester (i only had 1 full-time year left before graduation). In the end i just couldn't imagine not being at home, and then being at home and still having homework to do instead of playing with my sweet little girl. That being said, i still have part-time work I do, and do all i can to continue my education on my own. I applaud you for making the choice that's best for you. And if in a few years you decide you want to work full-time again, there's no reason you're decision now has to be a permanent decision :)

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    1. Thanks so much for your awesome comment Shannon! I agree - I can't picture myself working full-time and missing all those moments to be my baby's mommy. And you're right, I love that I can always go back to full time whenever I want.

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  6. This is beautifully written, Brooke! You have such a wonderful heart, and it's always so good to hear your thoughts about things... especially on such a tender subject. I have so much respect for you, and the women who decide to work as well! These are hard decisions for moms to make!

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet comment Brooke! Honestly, you are so sweet. Thank you!

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  7. Beautiful post Brooke. That's wonderful that you can stay home. I'm planning on working and it was a decision that my husband and I really sat down and talked about it. I think what made our decision a little easier, is that my mother will be taking care of our baby. I know I'll be sad about leaving the baby with her, but at peace at the same time. It's such a hard decision and I have nothing but respect moms who choose to stay home and moms who choose to work. I wrote about it too!

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    1. I totally agree. If I had family that could watch her, it would be a completely different story than daycare! I'm so glad you found what works best for you. Excited to read the post you linked up about it.

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  8. I'm glad you'll be able to take time to be with your daughter! If you still want to teach part-time, what options are there for AM/PM kindergarten?

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    1. Kindergarten is a foreign and scary place in my mind! So many little bodies that can't really do things yet... but they are so darn cute. It's definitely an option!

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  9. I remember talking to you about this a few years ago, pre-Jason. It's such a difficult decision. Teaching filled me up and became a huge part of me, and a piece of my heart will always be at that red brick school in room 106. But as much as my heart aches for my students, I'm so grateful to be with my babies every single day. Motherhood is so great.

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    1. I was actually thinking of you during this process. I so appreciate those emails last year. Your honesty and example seriously mean a lot to me. Thank you Rachel!

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  10. Brooke, thank you so much for sharing this! I am not pregnant yet, but I'd love to stay at home or find a part time teaching job while I stay at home with the baby. I'm sure it will be difficult for you to stay away from full-time teaching. Your kids will miss you! God will continue to lead you and mold you. I'm excited to follow this next chapter in your life!

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    1. Jenna, you are so sweet! I love reading your posts, because they're always sweet and clever. Thank you for your comment.

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  11. I don't even want to allow myself to go there for making a decision on working when I am pregnant. You know I am a full time teacher and my husband and I are planning on getting pregnant the next couple of years. I can't imagine leaving my little babies for my babies. Haha. I am not much help in this decision, except to say your choice to not work is brave and that I feel your pain. I love the way you wrote this, girl. Thank you for being so open and honest. xoxo.

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    1. It's quite a decision! I would say I'll help you through it when you get pregnant, but the tough part is there is no right answer! But either way, you are an awesome teacher and you'll be an awesome mother too.

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  12. Proud of you! Everything you loved about teaching will be part of being a mother. You will have a "student" you will teach them everything. The joy of watching them take their first bite of solid food, or taking their first step or potty training. Your role as teacher will never be as important as now. You do not need to be afraid; you had a great example with your mom and also your step-mom. I have no doubt it will come naturally and you will be AMAZING.

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    1. Thank you so much Lynette! I love what you said about my role as a teacher to my child, not just my students. You're right - I have some seriously awesome examples of moms to look up to. I'm grateful for them!

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  13. Before my son was born, I thought for sure I would stop working and stay home to be with him. I was in the middle of the school year teaching when he was born. After he was born, I dealt with some degree of postpartum depression. It was really hard for me to be at home all day and make the transition from working full-time to being home full-time. I wasn't dealing well. I didn't like being a mom, and I had lots of negative feelings stuck in me. So, I went back to work. For me, it was a coping mechanism. I needed the stability of teaching and I needed to get out of the house. Luckily we had great family nearby who could watch the baby when I went to work. I taught half- day for the rest of the year and it was the best decision for our family. We have since moved to China, but I still teach part-time here. For me, working part-time has helped me balance my life. I'm sure at some point I'll be full-time at home, and then when the kids grow up I might be full-time teacher again. We'll see where life goes.

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    1. Thanks for your comment Robin! It's so interesting to hear the stories of so many women who found different balances between work and home. Thank you for being so honest, and I'm really glad you've found something that works for you. I love the idea of keeping a balance, and using work as a time to get out of the house and expand your world every day. I really look up to you and your family!

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  14. Nice. Very nice, my little princess. There is really nothing above that makes you vulnerable other than the confession that you are a snot monster. My granddaughter will be so proud when she reads this. I am, your mom is, your family is now and always will be proud of you. Of all the titles you could own, mommy is the best. I love you, Dad

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    1. Thanks dad :) It's a good thing I have good examples of moms and dads in my life like you!

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  15. So happy for the conclusion you have come to- I know you have been struggling with it. Hopefully you will love it and you can still tutor or spend time working a bit outside the home if that's what you want. You will love all the time at home with your little girl.

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    1. Thanks Bonnie. It sure was a tough choice! I'm really looking forward to spending some time outside the home for work, but also being able to be home with my little girl.

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  16. I'm glad you made the best decision for you!! I love the feeling that comes after figuring out something that feels so heavy.

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  17. Thank you so much Autumn! You're right - the feeling of relief when you make a big choice is the best ever.

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