visiting our old city

Is there anything better than going to visit family for a few days? Today I'm back in home sweet Arizona with the worst head cold I've had in years (pregnancy = not being able to take most cold and flu medicines = the worst!). But just a few days ago I was eating delicious homemade breakfasts every morning (that someone else made for me!) while Claire was entertained by a barrage of siblings who were so patient and helpful and fun.

One of the highlights of our little trip was going to the Provo City Center Temple. This place was beautiful. I remember performing here as a college student, and seeing so many of the original details and decorations preserved and remade into a house of service and eternity was incredible. I held back tears several times just walking through this gorgeous building.

These next pictures deserve its own section. Jason and Claire got to spend one whole day together! Claire was so ecstatic. The whole day it was, "Jason! Jason! Hi Jason!" as he pushed her on the swings and went down the big slide with her. We still miss Jason so much.

Can you get over all the love in these pictures?

The best part of our little visit was, of course, seeing friends and family. We crammed a few lunch dates and play dates and friend dates into our few days there. Spending time with people who really know you is just good for the soul, you know?

And one last picture, because clearly we need a selfie stick, but seeing these people makes me so happy:

Now we're back home and already counting down the days until we can visit again. And PS - anyone have any pregnancy-approved cold cures?I'll take all the help I can get!

and then there were only three

The week that Jason moved out was a whirlwind. The days slipped out of our fingers in a blur of packing tape and half-empty dressers and cramming in some last adventures. There was much driving of Jason and his friends to various activities, and then driving them home two hours later, and many visits to his favorite restaurants. There was lots of Jason playing with Claire in his rapidly emptying room.

All of a sudden, moving day was here, and it was time to say goodbye. It was Saturday afternoon, and it was hot hot hot outside. The U-Haul was loaded and running, and the four of us were standing behind it in the street. We all hugged in one big group hug. I cried, tried to stop crying, and consequently cried harder. The heat from the sun and the heat from the moving truck and the heat from the asphalt surrounded us. I made us do another group hug.

And then he was gone.

I guess part of me will always think of Jason as our first child. I know that technically neither of us are his parents, and he fits more into the "foster child" category than anything else, but we think of him as our own. When we first got him, he was a little 11-year-old dragging the couch cushions into our room late at night to sleep on the floor next to us, because there was a scary spider in his room. Now he's a big 14-year-old with straight As, a penchant for rock and metal music, and a can of spider spray for his room. Having Jason live with us was hard hard hard, but it was also such an amazing, happy, fun experience. It will forever define our family.

As he pulled away, Sam and I just kind of looked at each other. "We're like a normal family now," I said as I wiped my tears. "A traditional nuclear family with a mom and a dad and one biological child."

"Weird," Sam agreed. We watched the heat coming off the asphalt for a minute.

Then Sam said, "Which one of us has to take out the garbage now that he's gone?"

And that was that.

I took these pictures last week so Jason and Claire would both have some visual memories of their time together. Jason picked out Claire's outfit, and requested that I put her hair in the "double spikes" for the pictures. It's not often that the youngest child in a family (Jason) gets to have a younger sibling for a year, or that the oldest child in a family (Claire) gets to have a big brother. Watching them grow and play together has been so unspeakably sweet.

 ^^ You can often find Claire on Jason's shoulders, snuggling her head next to his ear.

^^ One of these people was way more into the open-mouthed kisses than the other ;)

We love you Jason, and we miss you like crazy! We can't wait to see the awesome things you'll do with your next big adventure!

(Read more about Jason, my husband's little brother who's been living with us, here.)

Jason's big decision

This post has been a long time coming. I've deleted at least a dozen drafts and fretted over basicallyyyyyy every single word. It's time to stop fretting and just post the darn thing! So here we go!

Jason is not coming to Arizona with us.

He's moving back with some of his brothers and his dad this summer.

Ultimately, this was Jason's choice. He basically had the final say. It's a big responsibility for a 14-year-old to have to decide his own future.

We talked and talked with Jason about his options and this big decision. We sat down together one family home evening and made a huge pros and cons poster, which hung in his room for three weeks while he thought about it. We prayed, fasted, consulted relatives, and tried to give Jason as much space as he needed while he thought about it. Sam was great about this whole process, but it was harder for me. I kept resisting the urge to shake Jason's shoulders and shout, "We want you to come to Arizona with us! So just come already!"

He decided to go back to his family.

Honestly, this has been so hard for me. Really, truly. I have cried a lot of tears over this. It might not sound like a big deal to you (he's not my real son, after all), but it's a big deal to me, and I won't apologize for my feelings. Sam told me last week that he thinks I'm going through a tiny version of the stages of grief. He's right. (Why is Sam always right?) We love Jason a lot. He's been living with us for so long, and I always forget that technically he's not part of our real family. I can hardly remember what it's like to be married and not have Jason. Of course I'm grieving! It will be sad to suddenly be 700 miles away from him!

When Jason made his decision, it was at the tail end of a truly awesome week in the Jason Emery is Cool department. Quarterly grades came out, and Jason earned all As (except that one darn 89!). It was his birthday, and he got showered with lots of love from lots of different people. He had a birthday party and had lots of good friends show up to it. He had a band competition and did really well. He had an underwater drone competition and did really well.

I went to watch Jason on his final round of that robot competition. I think I'll always remember that moment. The pool was surrounded by middle schoolers, chaperones, judges, and drones stored in huge plastic boxes. I stood there, balancing a baby on my hip, listening to everyone's shouts and cheers echo off the walls. In the midst of all the chaos, Jason and his team calmly and carefully lifted their little robot, placed it in the water, and began the competition. I thought about all the good things happening in Jason's life lately, all the positive momentum he's built up. I thought, "If you're looking for the good life, this is it. This is it right here, Jason."

And then he told us he was moving back to his family.

If I'm being honest with myself, I knew he'd choose to be with his family from the beginning. But isn't it funny how our brains justify things and hide behind truths we don't want to face? Somehow I was using all the great things happening in Jason's life as ammo for why he needed to stay with us. See, you have friends here! So you should pick us! See, you're involved in extra-curricular activities here! So you should pick us! See, you're doing wonderful in school here! So you should pick us!

But the thing is - Sam and I are not responsible for any of those things. We're not the ones who earned great grades. We're not the ones who built friendships with those awesome (albeit annoying, but aren't they all?) teenagers. We're not the ones who built underwater drones or play the clarinet or any of that.

Jason did all of that.

Jason's capabilities are truly limitless. He can, and will, do anything he sets his mind to. If he can carry this positive momentum to his home this summer, he will be just fine. More than fine, because he also gets to be with more of his family!

I'm doing better every day. I still cry about it. But each day, I realize it was not a personal attack on us when Jason chose his other family. It doesn't mean we failed or did a bad job of raising him. In fact, on optimistic days like today, I'd say we did a dang good job!

Not to mention, we'll get to be a traditional family of three for the first time ever. When Jason's gone visiting family, it's so much easier for Sam and I to connect and be a strong couple. I'm really excited that this will be our everyday reality. It will be great to focus on our little family in Arizona without the added stress of a teenager who needs a drivers license and an eagle scout award and a ride to school twice a week. Heck, I'll be able to wander into the kitchen late at night for a glass of water IN MY UNDERWEAR! (I'm actually really excited about this one. Feel free to judge.)

Whew. Congratulations on making it all the way to the bottom of this post! The bottom line is that Jason is awesome, that he will excel wherever he is, and that nobody should ask me if Claire is going to miss Jason, because I start crying every time I see them playing together these days.

this is a stage four situation

A few weeks after Jason came to live with us, my coworker asked me what stage of acclimation Jason was in.

"You know, the 4 stages?" she said. "They all begin with H?" 

"Of course! The good 'ole four stages!" I lied. "What kind of legal guardian would I be if I didn't know about the four stages! Ha! Um, like for example, as we all know, stage one is.... picking up the kid and bringing him to your house...."

She explained it to me. First is the honeymoon stage, where everything's peachy and new and exciting. Then comes the hostility stage (or was it hatred?) where reality sets in and everything becomes really hard as everyone tries to adjust. I cannot for the life of me remember what stage three was supposed to be. Happiness? Honesty? Helplessness? Hesitancy? Horticulturalist?? The last stage is home, in which the newcomer is finally acclimated and feels like they belong in their new place.

(Side note: I just looked it up. The four stages of acclimation is a thing, and the stages are Honeymoon, Hostility, Humor, and Home. Effie, you were right on!)

We didn't really go through these stages with Jason. At least, not in defined and distinctly separated phases. It did take us all a while for Jason to feel like part of the family, instead of an extended house guest. And there definitely were rough patches, where our habits, standards, and expectations were very different from the ones Jason was used to. 

But mostly, it just feels like home. And I mean that. 

Today Jason turns fourteen. Fourteen! That's old! I mean, the kid is almost as tall as me now! 

Lately, we've been in a really good patch with Jason. To be honest, January was really rough. But February was good and March has been fantastic. We have lots of chats about music and career paths. He makes us all laugh with his impressions and anecdotes about dumb things teenagers do at his school. He does his chores without being reminded. He's doing really well in school. He has a good group of steady friends.

And you should see Claire with Jason! She is so obsessed with him. If you don't believe me, come over at 3:30 when Jason walks through the door. Giggling, gurgling, flapping her hands in excitement, beeline crawling right to him. She doesn't even let him go to the bathroom or have an after-school snack until he's played with her for a solid 15 minutes. And Jason, awesome dude that he is, does anything and everything to make her happy. Something about these two together makes our entire family a little happier, a little softer, a little more kind.

So happy birthday to the most independent, hilarious, non-complaining, handsome, talented, weird, resilient teenager alive. We love you Jace! 

two years with our ward of the state

I clearly remember the day Jason first came to live with us two years ago.


It was the three-day MLK weekend. It was one of those eye-squinting, sunglasses-wearing bright winter days, with the sun glaring off the snow. We drove up to Logan, where Jason was living, and brought him home. He had one garbage bag full of his possessions that Sam carried in from the trunk. I remember showing him around his new bedroom - that tiny room in the corner of the basement with no windows. I remember apologizing that his bed was just a standard cheap one from IKEA. He couldn't believe we bought a brand new bed just for him.


For the next week, there was that necessary tiptoeing around that you do when someone new moves in. Politely negotiating shower schedules and work/school schedules and food preferences. We explained our routines about dishes and scripture study and taking off our shoes at the door. I remember feeling this need to go check on him at night, like you check on a baby. Sam would talk sense into me. "He's almost a teenager," Sam would say. "He's fine. Give him some space."


And just like that - we were a family of three. We learned how to adjust and how to accommodate everyone's schedules and needs. Sam and I learned how to still be strong as a couple, although it was pretty hard for a while. It began to feel like Jason was part of the family, not just an extended house guest.

Jason is probably the easiest teenage boy ever to live with. He is so incredibly low-maintenance. He takes care of himself. He doesn't ask for much. He does his own homework, and only needs help remembering to get his reading and practice logs signed. The kid needs a brand new wardrobe every few months because he's growing so fast, but I guess we can't blame him for that ;)


But in other ways, living with Jason has been really really hard. It was a big adjustment for Sam and I to go from being a newlywed couple with no kids (I could get a late-night glass of water wearing just my underwear if I wanted!) to having a teenage child. And it's not exactly like there are a ton of other people in our situation that we can bond with.


A major portion of our worryings and prayers and late-night conversations are about Jason. I guess that's what makes you a real fake foster mom (ha) - when a lot of your efforts to go towards a child that isn't even technically yours. Jason came to us with very specific ideas about what he could and could not do, what he did and did not believe, and what he was and was not good at. I've been trying so hard to help him have a more open mindset. Especially when it comes to his capacities - he is so much more talented than he thinks he is!


But altogether, it's been wonderful. Having Jason live with us has been an incredible experience. I will always remember how excited he was when we told him I was pregnant. He paced around the room for almost an hour asking questions and doing his excited hands and asking if he could sleep in the same room as the baby. He has such a fun imagination and wit, and he's always making us laugh. He does his chores without complaining (most of the time, that is!), and he's so good with baby Claire.


The bottom line is: we love him to death. So happy two years to us! It's been a crazy and wild ride, and we wouldn't change it for anything.

Claire is friends with more teenage boys than the average baby ;)

Bruncle Jason

I keep getting questions about how Jason is doing with the new baby here. I wanted to stop in for a minute to talk about Jason and how great he is with Claire.

When I was pregnant, I was a little nervous about how Jason and baby girl would get along. Heck, I was worried about how all of us would get along with a brand-new baby in the house. Jason is the youngest in his family, and he's never really been around little kids or babies. I even googled how to help siblings adjust to a new baby, which was pretty ridiculous, since the suggestions were things like "give them a stuffed animal so they can take care of their 'baby' while you take care of your baby." I'm pretty sure those articles aren't written for an age gap of 13 years :)

Turns out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Jason and Claire clicked immediately. In fact, baby girl loves Jason more than anyone else in the family! Seriously, Jason can get her to coo and smile like nobody else has ever been able to. (I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous...) When Jason gets home from school each day, they have a 15-minute cooing session, and it's just about the cutest thing you've ever seen.

Jason also loves taking care of the baby. He calls it leveling up when he accomplishes something new. He wants to hold Claire, play with her, feed her, rock her, put her pajamas on, and even change her diaper so he can keep leveling up. He said he unlocked a 6100 achievement the first time he changed a diaper. To me, it's a 6100 achievement when I don't have to change a diaper, so it works out well for both of us :)

Technically, Jason is her uncle. But since he lives with us, he's kind of like her brother. Hence the name Bruncle Jason. And I'm pretty sure he's the best bruncle out of alllllllll the thousands of bruncles in the world :)

Thank you so much, as always, for caring about our little family, and for showing up, reading along, and being so happy for us. It has made this whole experience so much sweeter. Truly, thank you.

the Jason: a post that doesn't exist

So the one and only Jason was helping me with this post, and he went through six or seven title ideas. "Why I don't have swag," "Jason the swag machine," "I once did the pleasant stare to the Mayor of Provo" and "the tabloids tell you what the government won't about aliens" were among the top candidates. Until he decided posting anything is way too embarrassing for a cool 13-year-old like him, and he should pretend this whole blog post doesn't exist. (Me? Not post anything?? When there are handsome pictures of the Jason sitting on my desktop?)

So, if he asks, deny everything! You never read this! This post doesn't exist! You did not see pictures of his handsome face! Nor did you glimpse his everyday creativity!

But really, this guy is so rad. We think we'll keep him around for a while.

the aviation freak (aka best.gift.ever.)

The old news: I'm terrible at gift giving.

The new news: For once in my life, I found a spot-on, hit the jackpot, money in the bank birthday gift for Jason.

The disclaimer news: Jason is a self-proclaimed aviation freak, to quote him directly. In case you're offended about me using the word freak to describe him. Lighten up, you freaks who read my blog ;)

The story: One day Jason came home from a career fair at school and told us about UVU's aviation program. They got him all psyched up about planes and flying and he wants to be a pilot when he grows up now (either a pilot or a scientist, to be precise). I was skimming through the brochure he brought home and found this deal: you can pay an extremely reasonable amount of money to get in a plane with a certified flight instructor and go fly around Utah, just the two of you. You get to steer and help land and everything! JACKPOT.

So I sneakily booked him a flight, and then had to wait until his birthday to tell him about it. It was a loooong wait. Although I'm pretty sure he suspected something when I didn't really ask what he wanted for his birthday. He had seen that ad too, and brought it up to me a few times, and there's a good chance he saw through my nonchalant attitude about it.

And then the big day arrived! Jason was beyond excited. They walked right out, boarded the plane, and took off. For Sam and I, it mostly involved sitting in the airport hangar for almost an hour, watching the news of the missing Malaysian plane play on the lobby TV. I'm no advertising expert, but isn't it bad for business to show news of a missing plane in an airport hangar?

When Jason landed, he was grinning from ear to ear. Totally loved it. His instructor, whose name was either Max or Matt, I can't for the life of me remember which, was amazing to work with. He gave us a tour of the flight simulators afterwards and let Jason sit in the cockpit of the bigger planes. It was awesome, and Jason loved it.

Jason was happy because he got to fly, I was happy because for once I gave an awesome gift, and the bebe was happy because we got Frostys on the way home ;) Thumbs up all around in the Emery household that day. And now Jason's saving up his birthday money so he can go again. See what I mean by aviation freak?

we officially have a teenager on our hands!

It's about to get crazy up in here... today we officially have a thirteen-year-old!

Today, our crazy, talented, same-shirt wearing, clarinet-playing, athletic, hilarious, ward of the state becomes a teenager. In true Jason style, he requested a plain chocolate cake "in a normal pan, with gummy worms that I can decorate it with." So that's exactly what he's getting. A plain chocolate cake in a normal pan (which I think is a 9x13?) and a bag of gummy worms that he can shove in his cake to his heart's content. Oh, and a can of store-bought frosting was on the list too.

Also on today's docket: going to Jason's band concert, Zupas for dinner, and giving him a gift that for once in my life I think I nailed (see previous post about how terrible I am at gift giving).

Anyone who knows Jason will agree that he's the raddest kid around. We are so lucky that he came to live with us. It's always an adventure, and we love having the guy here. Many happy returns, little dude!

crash landing

Last Monday, to celebrate Jason's one year anniversary of living with us, my husband Sam gallantly offered to let Jason do anything he wanted that day. Anything at all! The sky's the limit! Which worked out nicely for Sam, since he had to work that day, so I was the one who got the great honor of fulfilling the generous offer.


And so I ended up dutifully adding to the inversion on Monday, as my ward of the state and I drove to the SLC airport to watch the planes come in. Jason knew of a bike path right at the top of the runway where you can stand and watch the planes come in.


Except planes don't just come in. They appear out of the smog first, looking all tiny and harmless, and then they get louder and louder, and dip down closer and closer to the ground, and suddenly you realize they're gigantic, and the the wind picks up, and by that time the air is roaring around you, and your hair is everywhere, and then WHOOSH! they've flown right over your head and gone on to land.


It's actually quite exhilarating. The fear that a crash landing will crush you at any moment, the fear that if you stand up straight you'll touch the plane, the fear that your hearing will be permanently damaged, and the absolute certainty that you should not have done your hair that morning.


As it turns out, we didn't see many planes that day (much to Jason's very vocal chagrin). I guess there's limited air traffic on MLK day at noon? I hope the few planes we did see made it worth it. Plus, I can say I've been thiiiiis close to suffering death by exhilarating airplane crash. It's almost like I can say I survived the Titanic (you know, the same kind of near-death-by-man-made-machine type of thing... It makes sense in my head, okay?).

P.S. It's got to be scientifically proven somewhere that two days of a weekend is shorter than two days of a work week. I know it, I just have to find the research to prove it. Back to the grindstone tomorrow!

one year with our ward of the state

Last year, on the 3-day MLK weekend, our ward of the state came to live with us.


That's about as far as I've gotten with this post. I've started a million drafts, and deleted them all. I was wanted to blog about how great he is and how none of us can believe it's been a year since he first got here.


But really, what I feel like saying is that it's been a tough year. I guess real parenting is when at least 60% of your tears and frustrations and prayers are about your children (or in this case, ward of the state). Having Jason come live with us has been hard. Going from being newlyweds with no kids to having a 12-year-old has been hard. Discovering how very rigid he is about what he thinks he is and is not capable of has been hard. A lot of other things have been hard, things that I will never share on this blog.


Jason is incredibly resilient, brilliant, talented, and independent. It's not hard to love him to death. It brings me to tears when he prays that our baby will grow strong and healthy during family prayers. I love that he hugs me at night, and he doesn't complain about coming home to an empty house every day while Sam and I commute home. Without a doubt, these last twelve months have been the most rewarding, laughter-filled, joyful twelve months of my life, just as they've been the most stressful, heartbreaking and tough twelve months.


Jason is so amazing. Of course he's not perfect, and in many ways he's not at the point I thought he'd be at when he had been with us for a year. But it's not my job to change him. It's my job to love the heck out of him. Just love him every day as much as I can, and then love him some more.


And really, when he plays his clarinet, or flashes his smile at us (bless his genetic make-up that doesn't require braces), or helps me with dinner, or does one of his impersonations, it's impossible not to love that kid.

Here's to another year with our amazing ward of the state. I have a good feeling about this next one :)