Making life beautiful: our Jason decision

A few months ago, Sam and I found ourselves at a cross-roads. November was full of decisions about teaching and grad school and babies and moving. Nothing felt right, and I had this feeling we hadn't struck on the right answer yet. But what else could the answer be?

And then, one night, driving home through Sardine Pass - it came. The answer just came to me, and it involved an 11-year-old and it was not the path I was expecting, but there it was anyway, and it was like a deep breath in midwinter.

There are many reasons behind our decision to have Jason come live with us. We had talked about it since we first started dating, but we always thought it wouldn't be for a number of years. Some of the reasons are very personal and meaningful, and I won't share them here. There is a real and deep need for Jason's home environment to change. Sam and I made the decision like we make all important decisions - slowly, with counseling from those people whose opinions we respect most, and lots and lots of prayer and fasting. It's the big decisions that need the most consideration.

And this is what I realized - Sam and I would have fulfilling lives either way. We could take him or not take him, and chances are we'd have a successful marriage. We knew taking Jason would mean less money, more stress, more responsibilities, and less time to mold our marriage as a couple with no kids. 

But what I really want, as we look back over the years, is for our life to be beautiful. I don't want it to be conventional or cute or perfect, I want it to be beautiful. Jason is amazing, and having him in our lives will be such a growing and learning process. But more importantly, it will be a beautiful process to have an 11-year-old whom we need as much as he needs us.

So here's to choosing beauty over convention, challenges and change over stability and static, and most of all, to that road trip we're taking this weekend to bring home the 11-year-old who is changing, and saving, our lives.

___________

Thank you, thank you readers, for being so supportive and positive.

It's people like you who inspire me to be better every day. And I mean that.

And on a slightly different note - 

parenting tips?

Pre-teen parenting tips?

Great parenting or "foster parenting" books? (we're not actually foster parents)

I'll take any advice!

a different kind of love letter

Dear mom,

This is a love letter. One of the greatest types of love is the love between mother and daughter. You loved me so much and cared for me so much. If I'm one one-hundredth of the mom you were, I'll feel successful.

You were the most selfless person I ever knew, mom. Remember how, as you were laying on your hospital bed, as people came to visit you'd ask all about them, shower them with love, make them feel like a million bucks, and let them cry on your shoulder when they were crying because you were dying? That's the kind of selfless you were.

Today, it's been three years. Three years since you became the type of mother that watches over me from above. The type that can't call after school ends each day, the type that can't give me a hug, the type that can't bless peoples lives directly like you used to do every single day. 

But that doesn't mean you're not with me. Remember that one day? Just walking down the hall of my elementary school early in the morning, getting my lessons ready before the kids arrived, and all of a sudden I could feel you. Walking down the hall next to me, like it was totally normal, like you did that every day. 

Maybe you are there every day, helping my class, guiding me. 

Mom did you sit at the empty chair we saved for you at my wedding? Or were you standing right next to me when I got married?

I love you mom. My favorite compliment is "you remind me of your mother," even though few in this state can give it to me. Sam and I are trying to be so good, trying to follow your example and do good things for others while we're here. 

I love you mom. Happy Angel Day. Thanks for being here with me.

Brooke

what it feels like after someone is gone

This is a tough time of year for me.

Almost three years ago, my angel mother became an actual angel.

Many people have asked me to share more, to tell what it's like to have someone so close to you be gone, and how I coped with it. Many sweet, sweet people have told me they're going through something like this too.

So as a disclaimer, this post is full of real life thoughts and feelings. It's my version of the truth, and I don't claim that the experience of losing someone close to you is universal or easy. This is just my feelings, my reality. And I'll love you whether you read on or not.

_________________

For a while, it doesn't sink in. There are too many relatives, too many funeral and other arrangements to be made, too many people bringing you dinners. But eventually, that dies down. People move on with their lives {as they should}, and that's when some realities hit you.

//we found ourselves sitting around the dinner table, the food getting cold, waiting for that last person to come sit so we could start. Eventually, someone would realize that everyone who's going to be there is there, and we'd give each other that look, and someone would reluctantly start the prayer and eating process.

//when we got back from burying her, in the midst of all the condolences cards there was a paper from the elementary school inviting the kids to parent teacher conferences. I laughed right out loud. Those are still happening? Then you have the weird realization that normal things are still going to happen, even though for you, nothing will ever be normal again.

//salespeople on the phone make you cry. "No, she's not here. No, there's not a more convenient time to reach her." 

//I realized the value of sentimentality. I was left with only a few handwritten notes and journals, photographs, a bottle of perfume, and some voice recordings to preserve my mom's life. Those became the most treasured things in the house. That's also a big reason why I started blogging. I learned the value of preserving the everyday moments, the importance of documenting a daily life, of leaving a map for others of what my life looks and feels like.

//it's hard. It's hard beyond hard, and it's not fair, and it takes a long time before it gets easier. It's a lot of crying yourself to sleep, and that grief that hurts so hard it's like a cannonball went through your stomach. 

//little things set you off, like the sound of the engine from the big car she used to drive. When you hear that engine sound on your street, your heart jumps and you think for just a moment that she's coming home from the grocery store like normal. Then you remember.

//you learn it's okay to cry in public.

//the good news is we never have to hit rock bottom. Even in the midst of all our questioning and sorrow and remembering, it's never going to be too hard to handle, because someone already handled that for us. Someone already suffered for us, and He turns grief into hope. It's a temporary separation, and the older I get, the more I realize my mom's closer than I know.

//that's the truth for me. It's different for everyone, and there's no right answer, but for me, on this early Monday morning, that's my reality and that's my truth.

Read more thoughts on my angel mother and grief here.

a scary moment

A few nights ago, I had a bit of a scary moment at Sam's kickball game. Sam was bending over to scoop up a ball, and when he turned around to throw it, someone's full-speed body ran straight into his head. After a few seconds of staggering, he was on the ground. I waited, but he didn't get up. The next few seconds were a blur, but I must have sprinted across the field (the ball was still in play) to him. He woke up when I got there, and everything's okay. I woke him up a few times that night to make sure it wasn't turning into a "severe concussion - immediate medical assistance required" (thank you Web MD). By the next morning it was just a smashing headache, and it was gone by dinner.

Since that day, I've been appreciating things a lot more. Cuddles in the morning, kisses in the evening, and our good health in general. Scary moments do that to you, I guess.

Three cheers for little reminders that leave you grateful.

What are you grateful for on this cloudy Monday morning?

one last fling

On the last day of school, my old roommates and I met up at our freshmen dorm.

We had to. It's about to be torn down. And now that most of us are graduating and moving and getting real jobs and stuff, we wanted one last set of pictures.

We matched on accident, which tells you something right there.

You know those cheesy quotes about real friends and how you can call them after forever and pick up a conversation like you just talked five minutes ago?

Yeah, those.

on the brink of something great

A year ago today, Sam engaged me.

When we had our first kiss, it was morning. We were in a sun-filled basement, and it was cold outside.


When he engaged me, it was late at night. And warm. So warm, considering the time of year.


~~~


People like to tell other people that real life hasn't started yet. Don't you ever get that? Real life starts when you graduate high school, they say. Then, real life starts when you go to college. When you get married. When you get a degree. When you have kids. When you get your first real job.


You know what, though? This feels a lot like real life to me, right here, right now, with you. It is crazy. It is busy and hard. Sometimes I do feel like we're on the brink of something that's just getting started, something we don't know about yet, something eternal.


We'll have lots of adventures together, and I say bring it on :)


I love you.

year round

So there I was, sitting on a chair on campus last night. It was 7:15pm, and I was in a grumbling mood. You know, leave for school when it's still dark, don't come home until way after it gets dark again. School projects. No time. Lack of sleep. Husband's errands are taking forever. Famished. Cold wet shoes. That type of grumbly mood.

Husband was doing Important Car Errands, and I was channeling all my grumpiness by glaring at the floor tiles.

Then a voice in my mind started speaking to me-

At least you have a car.

You have a car! That gets you places!

And a husband who changes the oil and fixes the car for you.

You have a husband.

You're at school.

You're warm.

You have something to eat at home.

And then I was chagrined, and kept listening to the voice in my head, and gave embarrassed looks to the floor tiles.

And that voice went on and on. Everything it said was true.

I started catching on.

My husband picked me up. We went for a drive to see Christmas lights. I get to be with that angel who uses his turn signal!

We came home. I talked with my grandpa and emailed some family members. I have a family that loves me!

We planned for Christmas, and my birthday, and a trip to Oregon. I have things to look forward to! 

I think I may owe an apology to those floor tiles I spent so much time glaring at. I have way more than I need, and that is a huge blessing.

Who says Thanksgiving's only once a year?

{via}

Linking up to Elisabeth today.

early morning dreaming

Last night, I fell asleep during a snuggle at 7:45pm. I didn't wake up until 4 this morning {besides a brief stint where I tried to wake up, stared at my computer screen and my split ends for 20 minutes, and then lumbered back to bed}. 




Sleeping in days are good, but waking up early days are good too. Mornings are the best time to think. 




Mornings aren't crowded or rushed. They're the best time to get homework done.




They're the best time to listen to the sounds of early morning.




They're the best time to dream about the future, and wish you had ingredients to make muffins for breakfast.




They're the best time for cold toes and hot showers.




They're the best time to be still, and read your scriptures.




Not to mention, it would be a shame to miss a Wasatch sunrise.

{via} 

weekend love

Sometimes after a week of stress and exhaustion and observations, you need a weekend exactly like mine. I got to relax and be with Sam, which was just what the doctor ordered.

On Friday I experimented with a yummy new recipe (usually weekends are the only time I have to get creative with my cooking). It was lemon garlic spaghetti - YUM. Recipe to follow.

Then, Sam and I made a quick stop at the basketball exhibition game. After that, we headed over to our favorite cupcake shop. It was the anniversary of our first official date (we have two first official dates, and we celebrate them both. It's fine. The more the merrier, right?). Sam decided to recreate that date. We sat at the same table, ordered the same mint hot chocolate {first one of the season baby!} and even peeled off the stickers and stuck them on each other's shirts like we did on our first date. 

Plus, while we were there, we ran into my dear old roommate and her cute new boyfriend.

Then, unlike our first date, we came home and snuggled and watched Modern Family together. It was definitely an improvement over the thanks-goodnight-hug-awkwardly fumble for your keys door scene that happened on our first date :)

Saturday involved taking a math test, getting in a few hours of work, going to campus with a shameless disregard for my own physical appearance {glasses and a sweatshirt? what else is there?}, and going on a run with this little ball of fluff.

Afterwards was date night at the temple and daylight savings {was anybody else inordinately excited for daylight savings this year??}.

Sunday has been early morning snuggles, getting the sleep that I desperately needed, church, and another new recipe. Plus it's our three-month anniversary :)

Our single friends are coming over soon for farkle and cookies, and then we're making a quick stop at a birthday party.

I guess nothing crazy or life-changing or super exciting happened this weekend. It was slow, and relaxing, and happy, and just what I needed this weekend. Three cheers for weekends.

How was yours?