My Kids Say the Darnedest Things (mom version volume 1)

This post has been two years in the making. One of my favorite things to blog about when I was a teacher was the funny things my students said. (If you're interested, I linked to all my old student quote posts at the bottom. They're pure gold.) I know it sounds silly, but when I stopped teaching I was really sad that I wouldn't be able to do any more "My Kids Say the Darnedest Things" posts.

I've been patiently waiting for my oldest to start saying hilarious things, and let me tell you, that little spitfire of mine never disappoints. I got lucky with an early talker (and a constant talker - I'm pretty sure she babbles from 7am - 7pm without stopping). Here are a few things she's said lately that have been making us laugh:

She thinks soaking is an adjective that means extremely. 

This morning at 6:30am: "Mom! Mom! I soaking hungry!"

When it was chilly outside: "Mom, I soaking cold! I soaking freezing!"

When the UPS man delivered a package yesterday:

"Hi, ma'am. Last name Emery?"

"Person! Person! Claire did a pee!"

"Here you go, ma'am."

"Hi person! PERSON! Claire did a pee in the big girl potty!"

"..... Sign here please..."

After a colossal melt-down at the children's museum:

Dad: "How was the museum?"

Claire: "Claire scream and scream and scream a willy long time."

Waiting to pick up our takeout at the restaurant. A very obese person walks in.
"Mommy, look! It's tummy so big! So big tummy!"
Me: *dying of embarrassment*
*dying*
*dying*
*trying to think of some way I could save this situation*
*the person comes and sits down across from us in the small waiting area*
*shouldn't I be dead by now?*
*dying*
*can't think of anything to say*
*literally can't recall a single word in the English language*
*dying*
Me:".... yeah, when mommy has a baby in her tummy, her tummy gets big. Ha. Ha....ha ha......."
(I was the literal worst in this situation. Tell me what to do in case there's a next time.)

Mom: "It's chapstick."

Claire: "Chasquit."
"Chapstick."
"Shasquit."
"Chap. Stick."
"Acht. Quit."
"CHAPSTICK."
"Chasquipt."

Me, trying to set expectations before attempting the children's museum again:
"... And then we get to go home without any crying and without any screaming and without any hitting. The museum is so fun when we make good choices. Okay?"
Claire: *literally patting the top of my head* "That's a willy good story, mom."
Me: "No. It's not a story. I'm setting behavioral expectations. This is not a drill. Okay? We get to go to the museum and make good choices!"
Claire: *patting me again* "Good job story, mommy."

She sure does keep us laughing (and sometimes dying of embarrassment) all day long!

If you need more laughs to get you through this last week before winter break:
My Students Say the Darnedest Things: Volume 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7

*Photos by the fabulous Chrissy

Behind the Scenes (all the outtakes)

Because it's Friday, and because I definitely put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge this morning, I wanted to offer you a glimpse of the behind the scenes on some of my recent photoshoots. Social media is often a highlight reel, and while I love seeing everyone's bright and happy moments, it can sometimes feel like the bright and happy moments are all that happens to a person. It's easy to feel inferior and think you don't measure up to what someone else portrays online. (Hooray for snapchat and IG stories that help us see the everyday life!)

A few times people have asked, "How do you always look so put together and calm?" My answer, besides bless your soul for thinking I'm not constantly on the brink of insanity, is - I don't have it all together! Like, at all! 

Here are a few pictures I've snapped recently that show behind the scenes vs the finished product around here.

PHOTOSHOOT WITH THE TWINS

 "Whyyyyyyy mom???" 

vs: "Look how cute we are!"

MATERNITY PICTURES

My brother trying to impale me with a frisbee mid photoshoot (and no, I didn't even catch it)

vs. "Look at me casually strolling in the evening light without the imminent threat of death by frisbee"

CLAIRE MEETING THE TWINS

"Uh I'm nervous and three seconds away from crying and I definitely don't want to touch these weird things you set on either side of me"

vs. "Look how great of a big sister I am!"

PHOTOSHOOT WITH CLAIRE

Experimental hairstyle gone terribly wrong (WHY do I keep thinking I can do cute hair styles??)

vs. Cover up the crazy, girl! Put on a hat and pretend it never happened.

Ha! Sometimes when I edit pictures, I'm working so quickly that I don't even think to keep the ones that didn't turn out, but these posts are kind of fun, so I'm going to try and keep more blooper pictures in the future. Hope this made you smile and that you have an awesome weekend!

summer vibes

The other day, Claire was playing in the kids section of the library, and another mom there asked how old she was.

"Three," I said. Then, "Wait, what'd you ask? No. She's 18 months. No she's not. She's almost two. She's one. FINAL ANSWER she's almost two!"

Ha! You guys, I'm losing my mind. Just yesterday I couldn't get my mail key to work. I tried absolutely everything, and I was about to go to the main office to get a new key. Aaaaaand then I realized I was trying to open the wrong mailbox.

So basically life with me is one big brainless party! Come hang out. I'm a lot of fun these days. ;)

Today I'm joining Deidre for my favorite brainchild project: How We Wore It. The inspiration picture is from Elevate Everyday, and I absolutely loved the pale hues combined with the bright cobalt blue. So I went with my white shorts and blue top (one of only two non-maternity tops I can still wear these days).

The scallop hems are fun, and they dress up the top without any extra effort on my part. It's also lightweight and stretchy and great for the warm days ahead (no undershirt required is a huge bonus in this Arizona heat!).

Below, I included the original How We Wore It inspiration picture, as well as a list of everyone else interpreting the same outfit this month. These are some of my favorite ladies, so if you have a minute, check out their gorgeous ensembles. You can sign up for How We Wore It on Deidre's blog by clicking here.

Deidre at Deidre Emme

Emily at Emmy Jake

Brooke at Silver Lining

Suerra at Sierra's View

Justine at Little Dove

Kiana at Glitter & Donuts

Amber at amber nicole blogs

Tayler at The Morrell Tale

Patricia at haifisch

Kelsi at Lovestrong

Emma at Ever Emma

Bekah at These Are The Days

Jenn at GiveThisGirlCoffee

Shelbie at R+S Brereton

Nellwyn at The Cardinal Press

Ruth at My Little Nest

Happy Wednesday, friends!

Where do you find your favorite lightweight summer tops?

After the twins come, I'll need some breezy, loose tees!

6 fun Instagram accounts to follow

I go through phases with my Instagram following. There was the FOLLOW EVERYONE phase, and then there was the UNFOLLOW EVERYONE phase, and then there was the FOLLOW FAMOUS PEOPLE phase (that phase only lasted a week or two). I feel like I've finally struck a good balance. I follow those I know in real life, a few bigger bloggers and other accounts that inspire me, a few new people I've just connected with, and then a few accounts just for fun. (I'm over @brookejanette - come be friends!)

It's the fun accounts I want to talk about today. These recommendations run the gamut from funny to aesthetically appealing to just plain weird. Either way, they always make me pause in my Instagram scrolling for a second to admire just how creative and cool people are.

Here are 6 fun Instagram accounts I've been loving lately!

Holly Fox
@hol_fox

Why are sugar cookies so darn appealing!? This entire account is just sugar cookies, but I'm telling you, they are so cool. The pictures are bright and fun, and always feature cookie arrangements with the best color schemes.

From Where I Drone
@fromwhereidrone

This account features submissions of drone shots from around the world. Every picture is absolutely stunning, and I always pause in my scrolling to admire how cool our world looks from above.

Fashion Dads
@fashiondads_

Follow this one for the captions. People submit pictures of their dads wearing all sorts of fashion faux pas, and then the editors caption them as if this were a paid shoot for Vogue. I have literally laughed out loud while reading these captions (the pictures are pretty golden too).

Sad Animal Facts
@sadanimalfacts

Maybe it's my nerdy sense of humor, but this account gets me every time. The author finds little-known and sad facts about the animal kingdom, and posts cartoons of the creatures along with their sad fact. I've sent multiple screen shots of these to my brother.

Rad & Happy
@radandhappy

I want to be best friends with this girl in real life. She posts hand-lettered signs, sayings, and funny things about her everyday life. They make me laugh (and I always appreciate good hand lettering, probably because I'm terrible at it myself).

Craft the Rainbow
@crafttherainbow

This is Brittany Jepsen's latest creation. People everywhere submit pictures of their art projects and supplies, laid out in rainbow order. It's quirky and fun, and something about all that color and raw creative material always inspires me to get off Instagram and start creating something myself!

If you're looking for a new Instagram account to inspire you or make you laugh, hope you like these ones! *All images in this post owned by the authors of the accounts.

Your turn!

Favorite cool, appealing, or funny Instagram accounts to follow?

P.S. Let's be friends!

Instagram ~ Facebook ~ Bloglovin

awkward awkward awkward

So there I was, ready to go tutoring. It was a regular Wednesday afternoon, and I was wearing a fairly standard tutoring outfit: capri dress pants, a pink chiffon blouse, and a blazer over the top. I had my big tutoring crate in one hand, and I was walking up the driveway to my client's house.

Then I heard a car driving past. It slowed way down when it saw me, which, as every overly paranoid woman knows, is the universal signal for, "Someone is coming to kill you. There is no other explanation."

I could hear the window roll down, and then a man said, "Hey!"

I stopped and turned. Goodbye, my beautiful life. We had a good run.

It was an older man. He leaned out the window. "Whatever you're selling, we don't want any, so don't even bother! We're the corner house."

I blinked.

Wait. So he's not coming to kill me.

Wait. He think I'm a door-to-door salesperson?

Do I look like a door-to-door salesperson?? Do I dress like one?!? Was it the tutoring crate?

He was waiting for an answer.

"Uh. Okay?" I said. "I won't?" Then he drove off, I went tutoring, and that was that. I spent the rest of the day laughing about this. Apparently I have the appearance and mannerisms of a door-to-door salesperson. It's fine.

Does this look like the face of a door-do-door salesman? Don't answer that unless your answer is no.


And then, just last weekend, I was at a family reunion. Someone I didn't know at all was introducing herself to me.

"So who do you belong to?" she asked. (What a weird question, now that I think about it. What do you mean, who do I belong to? This is the twenty-first century! People don't belong to people! But it's also the eaisest way to ask who you're related to at a big gathering, so....)

"Vickie is my grandma. I'm Lynnanne's daughter," I said.

"Oh, how fun! I married into the family, so I don't know your mom very well, but I have some great memories of the few times we did meet! How is she doing?"

"How is my mom doing?" At this point, there's no way the conversation can end smoothly.

"Yeah - I haven't seen her in forever! How's she doing?"

"Uh," I said. "Dead?"

Of course I should have said something more mature, like "Oh, that's very sweet of you to ask. She actually passed away five years ago." Or maybe I should have just said "she's doing great!" and walked away before it got more awkward. But nope. I had to call it like it is and say dead. Then followed the steps I have memorized by now: the shocked look, the look of horrified embarrassment, followed by the I'msosorrys and the Ihadnoideas and the sharing of an anecdote about my mom. All in all, it was pretty funny. And awkward.

And that's that. The end. I don't like to take myself too seriously around here, and it's a good thing, because my life is pretty awkward sometimes. Try to contain your jealousy. :)

Trashin' the Couch

I'm a big believer in using and reusing and upcycling to get a full use out of things. Especially big expensive things like furniture. In fact, I always think about that Great Depression motto "Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without!" (I probably think about that motto because I once sang it in a middle school play. Kilroy Was Here! And now I'll never be able to get it out of my head until the day I die...)

But in some cases, there's just not much more you can do with something. We've been the proud owners of a string of secondhand couches throughout our married life, and our current wraparound sectional was especially, um, well-loved by us. Three main springs and one couch leg were broken. It was fairly standard for our guests to sit on the couch, only to jump up and exclaim "I think I just broke your couch!" "No, you didn't. It's just like that. Sorry. But if you sit right here in this exact spot and don't move at all, it's still semi-comfortable!"

So when we got new couches, we knew we had to send our old one off in style. It was just too broken for us to sell it or give away or donate, so we did the next best thing - TRASHED IT!

We started off with the usual things. You know, jumping on the couch. And then we moved on to the crazier things, like ripping an entire cushion to shreds (ever wonder what the inside of a couch looks like? You're about to find out!).

^^^Bouncing!

^^^ And more bouncing!

^^^ Jason fulfilling his lifelong dream of eating and drinking on the couch. He sat there with popcorn and crystal light, and looked like the most content teenager you've ever seen.

^^^ This is what the inside of a couch looks like. Who knew?

^^^ She had no idea what was going on, but she loved it nonetheless!

So there we have it. Trashing the couch! It was surprisingly fun, although we wish the original couch owners had been there to trash it with us (Bennetts, come back soon!). We also wanted to take it somewhere and burn it, but couldn't figure out a way to do that without violating several city codes. Darn those city codes! What are they trying to do? Keep us safe from random citizens burning couches in the middle of the city?

And now we bought new couches, and for some reason, buying couches of our very own seems like the most grownup thing we've ever done. I mean yeah, we've graduated college and had careers and been married and had a child and stuff, but still - buying couches?? I'm officially a grownup. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

State of the Union:: The Emery Family

Did anyone watch the State of the Union address a few weeks ago? That speech totally cracks me up. I know historically it can be a pretty significant speech, but all the pomp and circumstance just makes me roll my eyes.

Either way, I put together a little State of the Union speech about our little Emery family union!

Please read this as if you were actually at the state of the union address. Meaning, I'd like you to stand and clap for a minimum of 30 seconds after every sentence you read. Unless of course you disagree with what I'm saying, in which case I'd like you to sit stony-faced and stare at the screen passive aggressively for the next 30 seconds. If this blog post takes you less than one hour to read, you're not clapping long enough.

(P.S. Thanks Bonnie for letting me use this post idea!)

photo by Ashley Eliza Photography

Sam - Sam is playing the waiting game. We're in the midst of making some big life changes. (We're moving to an island in the Maldives!) (Just kidding, but how cool would that be?) (Does anyone want to finance that trip for us?) All of Sam's paperwork and interviews are done, and the only thing that's left to do is sit and wait. It's hard feeling like your fate is in the hands of committees made of people we've never met. It can be a tough and stressful place to be in. But Sam does it as he does most things: sexily and with a beard. And we'll have some answers by the end of next week!

Brooke (that's me!) - I don't know what's wrong with winter this year, but I'm not complaining. It's been warm enough to go on a long walk every day - although my walking buddy moved, and I'm in desperate need of a new one. Tracy, if you're reading this, let's go for a walk today. In other breaking news, I went to Target yesterday and didn't get a single thing that wasn't on my list. First. Time. Ever. Which called for a celebration in the form of buying a little something for me from Target... ;)

Jason - Our ward of the state is as awesome as ever. Jason is one cool, iPod listening, bus-stop waiting, perennially "going to clean my room tomorrow" teenager. His band at school got into some sort of fancy schmancy state competition, which is exciting. Also, he's in an after-school club that builds underwater drones. Robots! With minds of their own! In twenty years, when robots take over the earth, we can all thank Jason. In other news, Jason woke up one morning last week and decided he was going to start being a teenager (in all the best and worst ways). I now owe a huge thank-you to my parents and anybody else who's ever successfully raised a teenager! 

Claire - Our obsession with Claire continues. Honestly, I don't see an end date coming up any time soon. Every time she learns a new trick, it's like she's the first baby ever to reach a developmentally appropriate milestone. Look, she's splashing in the tub! Look, she spit out her green beans! Look, she's trying to eat the balloon! Take a picture! Take a video! Send it to all our contacts! And I wouldn't have it any other way. This girl is growing up so loved, and that is a very good thing. We did have a stressful and sad trip to urgent care this week when she dislocated her elbow, but everything's back to normal now. 

So there you have it! The state of the union around here.

Happy Friday!

8-bit Einstein

In my city, there's a pretty big 8-bit Einstein painted on the side of a business. I'd seen pictures of it everywhere, but I could NOT figure out where it was. First I saw two different bloggers with pictures in front of it. Then I saw it on a Pinterest board titled 'Exterior Wall Art.' I even saw a glimpse of it in the corner of another picture once. So when I finally found the wall, I knew I had to take pictures in front of it! You know, to prove I found it. If you don't take a million pictures and cross-promote those pictures on all forms of social media, it didn't happen, as the old saying goes.

So there I was, making Jason take pictures of me in front of Einstein, and I got to thinking. What's a girl gotta do to get a huge 8-bit painting of her face?

I mean, I know stuff. I know lots of stuff. Stuff that totally puts me on equal footing with Einstein.

I mean, sure, Einstein may have discovered both the Special and General Theories of Relativity. But I discovered the 8-bit Einstein wall all by myself. Which means we're both breaking some new ground.

Einstein may have won a Nobel Prize. I can't compete with that. But I know what a hairbrush is. AND I use it daily. Einstein can't compete with that.

Einstein may have become a worldwide household name, and his work may have unlocked mysteries of the universe previously unknown to mankind. But I know the truth behind the common core (created by communists with the intent to turn all children into brain-sucking zombies). I know. I read an article about it once on Facebook.

See what I mean? I know stuff. I know lots of stuff. I know what happens in the fourth podcast of Serial, which I've started listening to at the gym. I know the bounce-bounce-rock method of calming down a fussy baby (I'm pretty sure I bounce-bounce-rocked my way through Claire's entire first month of existence). I also know the best places to get gas, Indian food, and flavored sodas around here (Maverik, Bombay House, and Sodalicious, respectively).

Yup. I know stuff. So sign me up for the next 8-bit mural! (How creepy would that be in real life though? A gigantic version of my face on the side of a building? Yikes.)

And the best news of all? I'll even tell you where it is! Tweet me or comment and I'll let you know! (I won't put it on here in case you're one of those weirdos like me who make it a matter of personal pride to find it themselves.)

PS see a cool slow-mo video of this wall HERE!

a funny thing happened on the way to the library

So there I was on a Thursday evening. Baby girl was tucked in bed, dreaming sweet baby dreams of one day being able to shove mom's phone into her mouth without being discovered. Jason was sprawled on the living room floor, doing a German poster for school (Wo ist Madsen?). Sam was taking a pre-bedtime nap.

I slipped out to run some errands. First, I dropped off half a box of too-small diapers to a friend in the ward with a new baby. Second, I went to the library to pick up my books on hold. Incidentally, those books are Unbroken and Rose Under Fire, because apparently I make my days merry and bright by reading two heavy-hearted books about World War II??

And then, pulling into the library parking lot, it happened.

Taylor Swift came on the radio.

Specifically, "Blank Space."

I thought of Taylor Swift's fantastic haircut in that music video. That's not an opinion, by the way. That's a universal truth. Her haircut was perfect in that video. And then I thought of a few of my blog friends and my downstairs neighbor who had recently gotten that same haircut, and how gorgeous they looked. And then I thought about postpartum hair loss -

I have to interrupt this story to bring you a public service announcement about postpartum hair loss. It can strike when you least expect it! I was totally fine for the first four months after I had my baby, and then all of a sudden, right when I had been lulled into a false sense of hair-retention security - WHAM-O! - my hair was practically falling out by the chunk and clogging the shower drain (ew gross, she talked about the shower drain on her blog) and my hairline is all wispy now. So beware, mothers everywhere. You never know when it's coming for you. End of public service announcement.

So anyway, I decided right then and there to get a fairly drastic haircut. If you've been reading this blog for a long time, you know this is monumental. Last time I cut my hair, it took literally months of deliberation before I got up the guts to donate it to Locks of Love.

I called my favorite salon before I chickened out and I said "Do you have any appointments open for tonight?" And they said "Tonight?" and I said "Tonight!" and they said "Wait, yes we do! How about 8:00? Can you be here in twenty-five minutes?" and I said "I'll be there!"

And then I ran in to the library to get my books and then I drove to the salon. An hour later, I was walking out sans six inches of my hair. And now my hair feels like a head full of hair, and not a head partially full of long, dead hair. Hooray!

Plus, I had a great conversation with the sweet girl who cut my hair. You know how usually you end up chatting about things like cute pea coats with your hairdresser? Well, pea coats are great, but my hair dresser is getting a Business Administration degree so she can open her own salon, so we talked about business plans and education and other cool things the whole time. She was fantastic.

And that is the story of the funny thing that happened on the way to the library. Das ende.

P.S. These pictures are basically one big misadventure in self-timer. Sheesh. It's harder than it looks when you don't have a remote or a tripod!

my students say the darnedest things {vol. 5}

Today was maturation day in 5th grade... easily the most hilarious day of the school year. So much drama! Add that to my awesome, funny class in general, and you get a lot of good quotes. (Some of these are from my neighboring teachers too.)

Maturation day:
Boy: "That was probably the freakiest thing I've ever heard in my life."

Girl: "I'm not nervous about today because my parents already talked to me about everything they're going to talk about. It was weird though, because the whole time when they talked to me, I kept laughing. Nothing was funny, but I just kept laughing the whole time they were talking to me about maturation stuff."

Boy, who looks really sad: "Didn't they used to give you free deodorant afterwards?"
Me: "Yeah they did. Their budget was cut this year though, so no deodorant."
Boy: "Dang. My brother said shoving your deodorant into the girls faces is the best part."

During math:
Student: "I try and try, but I'll never remember the word cross-reducing. Can't we just call it the super duper shortcut way?"
Another student: "No way! That's the confusing way. Let's call it the guaranteed to get the wrong answer way!"

About my baby (my whole class is obsessed with my baby. It's kind of cute):
"Name her Blakely!"

"Name her Jersey!"

"Name her my name!"

"Name her Neveah! That's heaven spelled backwards! Isn't that cool?!" (I get at least one request for the name Neveah per week)

And a kid on the playground during bus duty: "My sister said it's a girl. Can you make it be a boy instead?"


Practicing their opening paragraphs for a persuasive essay: 
(I told them to pick any topic they want, since I was only checking for structure)
"Have you ever wanted to burst into flames? The best way to die is to put gasoline on your s'mores before you roast them. First of all, it's been cold lately. Next, dying in dumb ways gets you straight to heaven. Finally, fire's the new fashion. That's why the coolest way to die is by putting gasoline on your s'mores before you roast them."

"Do you ever get sick of boring yellow bananas? Purple bananas are way better than yellow. First of all, yellow is such a boring color. In addition, purple bananas don't even taste like real bananas. Finally, they are cheaper than yellow bananas because they have never been tested on humans. In the end, purple bananas are better than yellow bananas."

"Unicorns are better than chubby babies. First of all, unicorns can give you wishes but chubby babies cannot. Also, unicorns are full of sprinkles. Chubby babies are full of poop. Last but not least, unicorns are fluffy, but chubby babies are fat and vicious. In conclusion, unicorns are better than chubby babies."
_______________

If you ever need a pick-me-up, just observe an elementary school classroom. It's the guaranteed fastest way for you to laugh your head off AND gain a new appreciation for your relatively few kids, quiet house, and peaceful life. And all in five minutes! :)

contingency plan

Today one of my students asked "what do we do if you have a heart attack during class?"

I stared at him. "I eat cheerios for breakfast at least twice a week."

He stared back.

"Never mind," I said. "Are you worried about that?"

He just looked at me.

"Okay, well, if something happens during class, you should run and tell the office. Nurse Ellie will come and help me."

"What about CPR?" he asked.

Terrible terrible images of my students trying to perform CPR on my unconscious body flashed through my head. 

"Do not perform CPR on me. Did you hear that? IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TRY TO PERFORM CPR ON ME."

"Okay," he said, and started to walk away.

"Wait, I want to ask you a question. Have you been worried that I'll have a heart attack? Do you feel scared that something bad might happen to me? You are such a sweet kid, but I want you to know that nothing-"

"No!" he said. "No. I'm just writing a story where this kid's teacher dies in the middle of class. I wanted to know what it would be like."

Merry Christmas, people, from my class to you. These kids are crazy and I love them to death. To a mid-lesson heart attack death, to be specific ;)

And now, because hey, it's December! here are some pictures of our Christmas tree. The colored lights remind me of my mom, and that makes me happy. 

Around this time of year I start forgetting that there are things to do besides just sit on my couch, smell our tree, and pile the blankets on. (But really, what else is there to do when it's 4 degrees out?)

Happy two weeks until Christmas!